Flashbacks

Raw Draft
Is it weird to not be visible,
When you stare at yourself in the mirror?
Er, Edit,
Is it okay to not see your reflection,
When you stand right infront of a mirror?
I can't see myself,
I can't feel myself,
But I know it exists,
My body,
Me.
It is somewhere,
Existing.

Flashback
11:00 PM
Slow and quiet,
One step at a time,
Hold the door,
Don't let it squeeze,
Shut it gently,
And count to three.
That is how you escape from a house,
That is how you prepare for hell.
Slow and quiet,
Baby steps to miles.

There's a bottle of vodka,
Almost empty,
And ashes of cigarette,
Who's smoke now stings.

Flashback
3:00 AM
I didn't grow up like this,
To be here,
Smoking weed,
In arms of a stranger,
I didn't grow up to be like this,
But I'm kissing a man,
With smoke rings on my lips.

It's a mess,
The room, my life and me,
It's a mess,
And maybe mirrors don't reflect mess,
But only consequences that follow,
I can't see myself,

Neither do I want to,
Anymore.

Flashback
12:00 AM
How did I end up like this?
Wondering, I entered,
Slow and nice,
Like a lady.
A lady,
Can a lady behave like this?
Covered in pearls,
I often see monsters in masks.
'Drinks', I should stop wondering,
I'd rather drink to stop pondering.

Existential crisis,
Is that a thing?
Maybe nobody ever saw me,
Like I can't, today?
There's a vodka bottle,
And a mirror,
Nothing to acknowledge,
So I shatter their existence,
Fast and strong,
In a throw.
Just like my demons,
Maybe I'd see me too.

Flashback,
1:00 AM
"you wanna go home?"
That's what he asked me,
"Home",
I'd love home.

There's a knock on the door,
Was I noisy?
Another thud,
Maybe life is too much,
Yet nothing at once.

Flashback
4:00 AM
I'm still kissing a stranger,
Still smoking,
Still alive.
I'm still alive.

I'm not visible,
But I'm not dead,
I'm not rainfall,
I'm a hurricane,
I don't often live,
But when I do,
I sweep the whole city away.
I'm not dead,
Not until you remember this,
Not until you read this,
And I hope, never to be.

'SAVE DRAFT?'

If only life asked the same.

5 Things

5 things I wish I knew earlier.
ONE,
Small houses and small homes aren't the same.
When I sit in the backyard,
Haunted by the memories,
I realised I had a house to myself,
But no one to share my home.
I wish houses were smaller,
And homes bigger.
TWO,
There is no language for pain,
When my tears roll down,
In pain and exhaustion,
I often don't understand the language,
I don't need to.
But I feel the pain,
No language can ever win this crown.
THREE,
You're normal even if they don't accept you.
Often I see love come with barriers,
But how do I open them,
When the gates shout abnormal.
My friends aren't socially acceptable,
But they know how to love without discrimination.
FOUR,
There is no worst heartbreak.
Whenever the end feels near,
Something worse is hiding underneath,
There is no worst, only worse to come,
There is no best, but better to come.
FIVE,
The worst isn't always that bad.
In a middle of a nightmare,
Ir a furious rant,
There will be moments that make you,
Make you stronger than before,
Humble for yet more.
You have to play it coy,
And you learn to survive.

ONE, My house is a home
TWO, To a language of pain
THREE, sheltering those who've suffered
FOUR, preparing them for worst
FIVE, bringing out their strength.
ONE, My home
TWO, shares pain
THREE, Of socially unacceptable
FOUR, In their worst
FIVE, By being their home.