It's been a while.

So it's been a while since everyone has been asking me how am I doing without you. I smile at them and say I'm so happy to let go of you and that I'm glad you're no longer a part of my life. It's been a while since I've been escaping their questions. It's been a while since I've had anyone in my life who could take your place and I've been telling them I'm happier this way.
But then that moment passes and I go back to time in my head, cherish all that's been lost now.
The night comes and I realise I'm still stuck with our favourite song. The night comes and I cannot sleep, because I know somewhere out there you're there. I can't sleep thinking of the fact that you're not thinking about me. So I talk to people whose existence don't bother me. I talk to them to avoid your thoughts. But you come up in the words they speak. I find you in people I don't know. I think of you on the outskirts of our fav cafè sipping the coffee alone,  or perhaps with someone who replaced me and it haunts me.
What had I possibly done wrong? That only you know. Did I give you good enough reason to leave?
It doesn't matter, you left and that's all that is.
So when they ask me how am I taking your leave, I say I'm fine. I say I can do better than you. And they seem to believe me.
I tell them I won't ever talk to you even if you come begging on your knees and they say it's about the right thing. But don't you know you just have to stay?
I tell them I'm fine without you but let's face it, there's always going to be a room for you.
Maybe to me, it was always you and it will always be you.

Wastage?

For the sake of the dust on the cover of the old book,
For the love of the person you crave,
Among the river and the shore,
Near the willow and the valley;
I ask you the same.
Are you not wasting your life over this?
Crying over the same person again.
Willing to sacrifice one thing for another. Willing to leave it all.
Aren't you all bored? Aren't you all broken? Aren't you all just tired?
Or is it me alone?
Aren't you all afraid ? Aren't you all selfish? Aren't you all crazily in love with someone you can never have.
Isn't this all indicative of the life we're wasting?
Aren't we all spectacular? Aren't we all too stupid to know that there is no life without it's  wastage? 

Part Four- The end.

It's so easy to fall asleep in arms of people you love. That night ended with a hint of sorrow and a new hunt. It was early morning when I heard people mumbling. All I remembered was talking to him on the rooftop about my fear of losing him and then this. What did I expect? Waking up to his good morning kiss? Well, to be very honest, I did.
I expected him to wake me up and end the lullaby that put me to sleep. I loved him, and he said he loved me too. Wasn't that enough for him to stay?
I woke up and he was still by my side. I was so relieved. But these people, their presence was killing me. I turned to him to wake him up.
I called out his name and asked him to wake up but he didn't seem to notice. He seemed to be asleep like a koala who hibernates half his life. I cried to him to. I craved for his words.
I touched him and he was cold. I couldn't hear him breathe. I mourned. I called for an ambulance.
Was it too late? Did it take me very long to realise him being unconscious? Was my love incapable of making him stay only for one night?
I remember the day I saw him, I knew I had to know him. And I also remember the day he told me he was dying. I couldn't stop crying but he? He has been the strongest person I've ever encountered in my whole life. He said he doesn't want to get treated which was a pretty stupid decision. He said he didn't want to put anyone in trouble because of his health issues but he promised to make this rest of his days the best. Promised to make my days better.
Couldn't he stay for one more day? A day, that is all I wished. He really used the last few days of his life to make me the happiest and I was so incapable of making his one night beautiful.
"Ma'am, Roan is asking for you. This moment might be his last moment with you. Don't cry infront of him, he would not be able to stay strong either."
I ran to him and cursed him for scaring me.
"I hate you. You scared me to bits. "
"I'm leaving love. Won't you gift me your pretty smile as a present?"
" I couldn't stop shedding tears. I pulled myself closer to him, looked up straight into his eyes and told him that I would never forgive him for leaving me. Then I bent over and for the first time our lips met. I kissed him for good five minutes before the kiss became salty due to our tears.
"I wish you could stay. I can never feel the same about anyone else now. You've shown me the real meaning of love. You've been looking out for me. I'm gonna miss you Ro. I'm going to miss you." And I broke down.
He was in tears too. I could tell by the way he hid his face and turned it away from me.
" Now that was a kiss I won't forget " he winked.
"Honey, it's a difficult world out there but I know my baby's strong enough to survive. Just remember people aren't always looking out for you but they're looking at you, always. Now won't you give me my goodbye kiss?" And I saw a tear roll down his cheek.
It was no time for words. I kissed him and called in for the doctor. He was out of breath. I love you and always will were his last words.
He told me to find myself another Roan. I couldn't ever do that. He was such an amazing arrangement of atoms that nobody could ever replace him.
It have been 5 years today since that night and every time the moon shines brighter than ever on this date. Seems as if it is remembering all the details of the night and it graciously enjoying every bit of it.
I am still not able to find another Roan. And even today all my breaths are his.
But you know what the funniest part is? After his death there were rumours that I murdered him. As if I could. People don't seem to understand your bond and speak all kind of things that you can not even imagine. But the stars tell me each night that I'm not alone and that somewhere there, he's looking out for me in a world where everyone is just looking at me.
                                                                        

Part three

"When did you realise that you didn't love this guy?" He asked. "Maybe I never did. Not until I met you at least. I guess even after we broke up, I searched for him in every person I saw. When I first saw you, I saw him in you."
"Woah. Now I don't even get to keep my uniqueness. That's not fair." Roan mocked.
"I know it's stupid but I saw you and he flashed in my mind. I've been so nervous around you for months and you didn't even know. You never knew me but I saw you everyday. You used to pass by me and my heart pumped so hard, my veins they'd thicken and make my face went pink, I used to shiver. I could not even make an eye contact with you without getting nervous and anxious." I frowned. "Who said I didn't know you?" "You did?" "Maybe, you'll never know." He winked. "But shivering, isn't it too much? I wasn't a monster. I wouldn't have eaten you."
"I'm an anxious person, don't be judgemental." I laughed.
"The first time I ever brought you here, I imagined the same exact scenario. You pulling me closer, I stepping back. You telling me it'll be perfect and promising me forever and then bang, our perfect kiss. But you didn't and guess what? I realised that day, you aren't him and I love you. I've always searched you in everyone else but settled for people like him because I had almost given up on your existence. I'm so glad about your entire existence. I love you Roan, promise me you won't leave. Promise me you'll provide me the forever I deserve " I cried to him.
How hard was it for me to know that nothing lasted forever and I still hoped for him to last a lifetime.
How hard was it for me to know he was leaving someday and hoping him not to.
Have you ever been in a situation where you knew what you needed exactly and you could have it too but it wasn't to last forever so you just break down and shed tears hoping the water to take away your pain.
"I can't promise you to never leave but I promise to fall in love with you a little more each day till I last." He said. I knew that. I just didn't want to hear it. Hearing I never will, would have been more comfortable. But that was the best part about Roan, he never comforted me with his lies but scratched me with bitter scars; truthful scars. Maybe that is why even after all this time I get butterflies in my belly by just looking at him.
I wept like a baby, he wrapped his warm arms around me. My head on his chest, my ear exposed to his heartbeat, all I could think of was, what if this all ends tomorrow? What if this is the end? I couldn't lose him, it would be too hard to find myself then because losing him would make me lose myself; And I couldn't afford to lose myself. So I hugged him like I'd never leave. The night sky had so many other stories to encounter but somehow it felt as if they all were just listening to us close. Maybe tonight was our night. One night I'd never forget. A night stars would remember as well, and the moon would've cried upon too.
                       
                                                                                                                              To be continued...

Part Two

I could've done anything with him that night, all he had to do was ask. I wouldn't care a bit about what people would say, because they speak shit about everyone anyhow. 
But Roan proved he wasn't the same. He proved not all guys are the same. Most people always slid down their hand all the way from my waist to my hip while dancing. They'd tell me how hot I was like I was a cup of coffee, wanted to kiss me like my kiss was a trophy, stare at my breast while talking, check out my ass I bent. I've always been objectified as if I'm just the part of my body and not an entire person, not a being but an animal valued for its' parts. 
But Roan, he wasn't the same. He'd tell me how beautiful I was, not in looks but also as a person. He'd tell me how lovely he felt holding my hand and talking about anything and everything. And he'd kiss my forehead and tell me I was stupid but he loved me. 
Sometimes I wish to unmeet him. Good people don't last long, and love doesn't stay forever and the mere thought of him leaving me made me weep. But the other times I just loved him and him being in my life. 
That night after the moon light started getting dim, we sneaked out of the place to go to the rooftop of the building I've spent my entire childhood on. As we climbed up to the twenty storied building, I told him about my memories of there. 
"Okay so you're gonna be one of the few people to know my favourite place. As a kid, I and sarah would climb up here and throw water at random people. They would all go nuts. Once someone informed the police about the nuisance and we hid inside that tank and eventually fell asleep until the next morning. We were never allowed to meet each other again. But that was fun I tell you. The is also the place where I had my first kiss." 
I giggled. I asked him to tell me about his first kiss. He blushed and said he never had one, still waiting for the perfect one. 
In a world full of anger, hate and jealousy I found my God and I couldn't help but cry because everyone thought I was gonna lose him and to a certain extent, I did to. 
I feared that but I never let him know. 
"Why don't you tell me about your first kiss", He said. And so I did, except the part that I never wanted that kiss and it was forged and how much I wished to undo it. 

                                                              To be continued.....

Part 1

"Yes, I've heard about you. And yes, neither of the things were good", I sighed.
"And you're still with me, there by my side. How do you manage it all? Aren't you scared I might turn out like they all say?" Asked Roan.
Under the moonlight with romantic music on and red wine, we talked.
We talked unlike others, but the rumours had it all wrong. I kind of get it, you know. Who wouldn't want to believe that a girl and a guy, together all night would've done nothing but talked. Sometimes I feel so sad that we let the rumours decide who we are. We let a bunch of jealous people full of hate decide what kind of a person we are.
"I am scared, Roan. I'm scared. But fear and trust are two completely different feelings. I fear what others say could turn out to be true. But I know I love you, and I would want to risk it all for you. I trust you." I could not tell what was he thinking. I don't remember him saying anything about this but asking me to dance with him. Our steps, they matched as if we were to complete each other. Okay, that's a lie. We danced terribly. But it was the best dance of my life. And after a while he kissed me on my forehead and told me he loved me. Yes, it was just a forehead kiss, nothing sensual. I'm sorry to disappoint you but our love was more than just a physical touch and definitely more than what you heard. We spent a lot of time gazing the stars, talking about life; What he wanted and what I wanted. Turned out he wanted my happiness and I wanted him to live.


                                            To be continued....