Human paradox.

We humans being a part of the Animal Kingdom consider ourselves superior to other animals. Well there is no denial that we have achieved certain social norms of being civilized, sophisticated and cultured. we've passed the social obligations and developed our mind better than any other creature could.
But even amongst the homosapien, we have this discrimination problem that we see some people above us ( like aristocracies on the bases of caste ) and some below us ( like barons in case of nobility. )
We humans are the most hypocritical creatures of the world.
How amazingly have we humans acquired the ability to bring someone down, break them emotionally, mentally and  literally. We get such an immense pleasure abashing others.
We humans are such hypocrites. we say we feel others pain, but I ask you is feeling enough? if instead of helping them out of the labyrinth of misery, we inject them with cyanide, is it worth feeling.  Isn't it better to stay away from them instead of bringing them sorrow.
Why are munificent creatures considered superficial? Are our past experiences so bad?
Well, personally I've had many bad experiences and when I say I am only 15 and I feel as if I have felt everything I will ever feel tears me up. I've lost friends and few of my family members. And it somehow bothers me every time, how will I ever get out of this misery but then a new one strikes and it's hard to explain what the heart feels.
You know what the worst kind of pain is, seeing a friend of yours and realizing you won't ever talk to him and it crushes your soul.
I had a very close friend with whom I could be true, I could be me. I did all sort of crazy stuff around him, shout, cry, sob, laugh and everything. It was perfect to me. I think I was the happiest person back then. He left, I realized I was a forlorn wanting to escape the misery of life. I was in doldrums for so long. I used to read my old conversations where he used to tell me that meeting me makes him happy. He used to call me in the middle of the night and tell me he wants to see me. And he used to call just because he wanted to hear me. Even I was weirdly happy around him. I remember him calling me on new year eve (obviously at midnight.) all drunk. It made me so happy that, even his not so sober self missed me.  It felt as if we were a part of a pantomime.
Its just so hard to see people leave, no? It's so hard to see someone you thought of having bonds for forever grow apart. Someone with whom you thought you'd stay forever but don't even talk now.
I thought it was brutally cynical for me to hold on to the lost friendships. In a strange way it had a therapeutical affect to abnegate him.
But was I gratified? No. I felt a little good knowing that I have the capacity to leave him but that didn't last long. I wasn't happy leaving him.  His face and the memories kept flashing in my mind.
I knew I had to get over it, escape from the labyrinth of forever, because forever was a mere illusion.
But even after all this time if only he'd come back, I may forget everything for back in time we were complete.
No, I didn't love him. This wasn't love but in a weird way he was my soulmate. Maybe the kind of soulmate you find in a friend. I wanted to keep him next to me and I still would but it still haunts me to think that he just left.
Even if I tell everyone I am over it, I secretly wish that he'd text me. I stare at my phone at night, wishing he'd come alive; wishing he would text me telling me how much he misses me. I wish he realizes that we were the soulmates.
And I still stick to my words, it wasn't love. It was the concept of two friends who'd give in everything for each other.
He left me with so many unanswered questions and they still haunt me. Why did he leave? I ask myself each night. I curse myself in more ways that I can remember, more ways than you could count.
Yes, I used to do all kind of happy- weird stuff around him and even before I met him but as he left me, I left being happy. He was the one who kept me from falling apart then how come he ripped my heart apart? How come he left me in such a sad situation. But I will be happy again. Someday the pain will vanish. Someday I will be able to say goodbye to this heartache and someday this all would change and nothing will remain same.
You did mean the world to me, but you aren't here anymore. It's not the first time I've lost a friend but this one really hurts. But I will get over it.
He was a monster who left a monster in me. I realize we humans who always try to bring each other down, drive from the past experiences are the worst kind of creatures. We are worse than our scariest nightmare.
Humans have a habit of leaving scars and bruises on souls, at least other creature don't tear each other mentally  (But only physically).  But in the end this is what it is, the Human Paradox. 

The one who stays.

Why do we have to chase friendship and relationships?  Why can't we have all our friends and lover in our life without the tedious chase?
I still remember my cousin reading out a quote loud and clear, "If you do not chase what you want, you can never have it."
I wonder if that's true.
I mean yes, we try to go after what we want quite often but upto what extent?  Till we start being clingy or being called insane?
At one point we really want a particular person in our life, and we chase him so bad. But in the end, we realize all these were the false hopes and this person wasn't worth chasing.
We are all constantly torn between 'Chasing what we want.' and 'Not chasing anything due to the fear of being clingy.' we often say, what's meant to be will be. But really?  Is it true?
If this makes you think about the friends you've lost so far because you were so complicatedly stuck between 'The Chase' and 'No Chase.' then, you aren't the only one. Believe me, you shedding tears won't help. Your tears don't bother them anymore.
You consider a guy as your closest male friend, you call him your brother?  Well, Try and lean forward and he'll kiss you. Like no offence, not all guys are like that. But you don't really find those exceptionally good guys now-a-days. After everything that'll happen, you'll wonder if the friendship is worth chasing, worth saving. Your Bestfriend will suddenly ignore you. You'll question her priorities. But sometimes people leave. Leave without an explanation. You find yourself so unworthy of an explanation that your mind unleashes onto your incapabilities whose scars are almost visible that they become a physical as well as an internal ache. Nobody deserves that. But they left; left you with scars and bruises on your soul.
Your soul that bleeds, bleeds the hope that you've lost. Friendships and love scares you now. You've seen people leave when they promised they won't, when they've witnessed your most embarrassing secrets.
You gave them a part of you and they left with that part of yours and they left you their memory in return which haunts you every night now. Why did they do that?
No, I do not know. I do not know why a human would do that, leave another person with such an emotional imbalance. I don't see the point of fake promises but I do see the superficiality of the relationships. I cannot tell you that they left for some good. But I can tell you that if someone leaves you in the middle of nowhere, it's their loss. They lose the journey. You do not switch off your emotions because of that. You do not become the person you hate. You donot leave someone in the middle of their journey, you know why?  Because you know how much it hurts. You don't offer that pain to someone else. Also you know, it'll be your loss if you left them midway. You do whatever, fight, explain, ANYTHING.
But you STAY.
You know why?
because in the end, it's all about the one who stays.

Scared.

Why is it that we always chase the wrong person?
Love scares me. After all that had happened, yes it scares me alot. When I first saw you I was scared of the fact that you'll leave one day, and it'll be all over. But, then that is the beauty of life, everything has an end.
I know we never got any step ahead of 'Just friends. ' and we probably never can. Maybe you never felt the same way about me, and maybe you never will.

At times I feel that I should accept the fact that I am ugly and I can never get the person I love. Tho it hurts.
Not the kind of ache you know is physical but the kind that wants you to rip your heart and throw it out of your body.
Wouldn't it be easier if we stopped felling? If we never had an organ that could feel; feel love, compassion, jealousy, passion or anything at all.
I wish I could confess how I felt without having the fear of being judged or Hurt. I wish I could tell you, how much I love you.  I wish I could say, "Hey, I want to be with you, for a very long time; maybe forever. But I'm scared but I want to be with you, no matter what. " I wish I could be honest without being painful. I wish I could make things easier, for us.

My Bestfriend told me that 'he's going to be an extremely nice guy to you, fun-loving caring and what not. He'll make you happy, talk to you all day long, he'll deceive you into a never ending despair. And one fine day he'll leave, not even bother to look back, look back and see how broke you are because of him.' And after all this time, I Still wonder how phenomenally true it was.
The truth is nobody stays forever. And believe it or not, you never forged it to me, you never said you'd stay. We weren't officially together then why should I mourn over your disappearance from my life. But then, who am I fooling?  I'm a human, even if I'm not supposed to feel this way, I am. Partially because I feel love and partially because I'm scared of it.

I still don't get it, why I carved you so constantly that it felt as if you dwelled in me. I wanted you so bad, you were a part of me that was taken away from me. You were never mine, but I wish you were. As a human, I've wished way too much and pushed myself into things I shouldn't, it feels as if it's a never ending process.
I am so sorry, I probably don't even know what am I writing. I doubt my senses because they were lost the day you made yourself nonexistent for me.
I'm trying so hard each day and you probably don't even know. I try harder than you could ever imagine. I'm trying to forget you and be a better human each day.
I'm trying to tell myself that it wasn't your fault that I'm broken today or that you left a monster in me who denies to believe in love. Yes, I know I probably won't ever have my very own  'FOREVER '.
This pain is for eternity. I'm bound to it.
And as I see my life in few years, your absence will make me miss you, each time someone says your name. I know I am going to regret not letting you know, how much I loved you.
Can't I just scream and cry and tell you what have you done to me?
I love you, I really do. But I'm terrified, terrified of that fact that one day you'll chose someone over me, and I'd be left there in pieces.
I'm scared, I wish I wasn't.
I wish, I could just face it, but I cannot.
I wish I could stop loving you and forget you, but I think that is next to impossible.

Good Friends.

"We're just friends. "
They'd never call each other lovers.
They'd say, ' we're just good friends! '

In the restaurants and the theatres,
In the fest and in the halls.
They'd hold hands, lock their fingers.
But ' we're just good friends', they'd say.

In the disk, in the clubs, in a crowd full of people;
At a concert in the corner,
They'd kiss so passionately, avoiding people to see them.
' But we're just good friends. ' they'd say.

In a room, they'd make love all night,
She'd wear his hoodies to the college, oh right.
He'd drop her home, safe each night.
' But we're just good friends ', they'd remark.

They had the cutest pictures,
They'd stay away from our sight.
They changed their choices for each other.
But "Just good friends. " They'd term each other.

But then entered the new girl,
Who was prettier and cuter.
From good friends, they'd turn to just friends.
For the new girl was now a better friend.

Now every night as she waited for him,
He never came, the light got dim.

She asked him, why he left her in grief.
'But we were just good friends', he'd say in brief.
"Goodfriends" now haunted her, the whole life.
On her wrist, she marked it with a knife. 

The diary.

"Just know I love you always; no matter what."
And for the hundredth time, I read his diary.
Even after all this time, it ached to see his room empty, to pass through his room and not smell his scent. It hurts to see his black blanket, covered and packed into boxes. So I took out his favourite blanket and wrapped myself in it.  I flipped the pages of his album, and a tear rolled down my cheek as I saw my numerous pictures, but a very few with him. I am always going to regret not having enough pictures with him.
I realized I missed him, more than anything. I missed wrapping my arms around his waist and placing my head on his chest as he recited me the most wonderful stories I've ever read.
I tried to not to cry or miss him, I tried not getting my eyes smudged but it seemed like it wasn't humanly possible.
I took out his old tattered dairy and a kaleidoscope of memories ran down my brain.
I remember him writing his diary each day, and I wondering why? Maybe that was his salvation. But how could I understand that time? I tried to steal and read the dairy many a times. And he telling me, I promise to gift it to you on my death.
Few months back, the doctor declared him a psychopath. But he was creative. He used to tell me, Don let anyone ever dull your sparkle. Don't let anyone tell you what to do and what not. Don't let anyone decide for you and today, I'm chosing a stream for myself and everyone is interrupting, and you are not here.
I am a very insecure person, I let my friend friends and grades decide for me and at times I feel like collapsing,  like the dolphins and whales are erupting in my tummy. But this isn't about me.
So ignoring all the negative vibes, I courageously opened the diary, His Diary.
I particularly likes infact loved one part of the dairy which totally belonged to me, and I am glad that I'm revealing it to you, today.

"And I have the prettiest Granddaughter." the first line said. Even grandpa's lie, I thought. But lying to their kids, for making them feel the best is their job description.
"I see the fact that, she fancies this little diary, so whenever you get hold of this dairy, I want you to know few things.
You, my child are a beautiful human with a beautiful soul anf kind, nobody can buy that. There will be time you'll feel lost,, as if a part of you is taken away from you and you are one a quest to find it, a quest full of sorrow and misery.
Your parents won't understand you, maybe they expect more, but it's alright. I know my girl is bold enough to do anything she wants. Your friends are leaving, but again, they're just a chapter of your life, not the whole book. Well, I know the grey eyed boy you're crushing on.  I don't know, how is it going on with him but remember, you should not let any guy play with you or leave you in sorrow. You were raised to hustle like a man, you can bw strong.  You're changing - a little fatter than before, your grades are going down, you dont fit into the beautiful dresses you fancy, or get a tall, dark and handsome boy. It's absolutely fine. But I do hope you get over it and realize life is much more than this.
I think you hate me for leaving, amidst all the troubles but even if I am not here, physically present to recite you, your favorite bed time stories, I'm always up there watching you as a star.  ( well, I always called him a star. My superhero, my star.)
I'm always there for you, and my little kid is always under my protection.
P.s.- I know you miss me and I do, too. Even if you feel alone and mistreated or low. Just know I love you always, no matter what. "
I miss you, grandpa, I miss you alot. And at this point of my life, I honestly wish you'd come back.